Categories
Humor

The Bubba Sudsa

An Official Document of the He-Man Mystical Lodge of Male Mysteries.

The Bubba Sudsa is a holy text and should be revered as so. It was created by our worthy Grand Holy Teacher Whose Name Can Never Be Spoken Except By His Most Trusted Apostles (GHTWNCNBSEBHMTA) so that we may evolve to a lower level of our vibrational selves. HMMLMM is only open to men due to the delicacies of manly understanding, thought, and awareness. Other guides are available from HMMLMM to help females understand and nurture the He-Man to be his most mediocre Akashic self.

I: LIBER A
vel
EXERCITORUM

  1. It is Absolutely necessary that all experiments should be recorded in detail during, or immediately after, their performance.
  2. It is highly important to note the physical and mental condition of the experimenter or experimenters.
  3. The time and place of all experiments must be noted; also the state of the weather, the lighting in the bar, and generally all conditions which might conceivably have any result upon the experiment either as adjuvants to or causes of the result, or as inhibiting it, or as sources of error.
  4. The HM2LM2 will not take official notice of any experiments which are not thus properly recorded.
  5. It is not necessary at this stage for us to declare fully the ultimate end to our researches; nor indeed would weak willed men like you be able to understand them at this time.
  6. The experimenter is encouraged to use his own intelligence, and not rely upon any other person or persons, aside of course, from ourselves.
  7. The written record should be legibly prepared so that others may read it.
  8. The Book of Paul St. Paulie published in the first number of the “Brewers Guide” is an example of this kind of record by a very advanced student. It is not as simply written as we our selves use, but will show the method.
  9. The more scientific the record is, the better, yet the emotions should be noted, when sober. Let the record be written with sincerity and sobriety; thus with practice it will be found more and more to approximate the ideal.

II: BEERVOYANCE

  1. Take eleven six-packs (72) of mixed beers. Mix them up. Chill them. Pick one up. Without looking at it, taste it, try to name it. Write down the beer you named, and the actual beer. Repeat and tabulate the results.
  2. This experiment is probably easier with old, genuine bottles of beer, preferably bottles used for divination by someone who really understood the matter.
  3. Remember that one should expect to name the right beer once in 72 times. Also be careful to exclude all possibilities of obtaining the knowledge through the ordinary senses of sight and touch, or even smell.
  4. There was once a man from Nantucket, whose fingertips were so sensitive that he could gauge the shape and position of the malt and so judge the beer correctly.
  5. It is better to try first the easier form of the experiment, by guessing only the kind of beer.
  6. Remember in the 72 experiments you should obtain 16 beers, and 14 of each other type (ale, stout, lights, and malt liquors); so that without any beervoyance at all, you can guess right twice in seven times (roughly) by calling out Beers each time.
  7. Note that some beers are harmonious. Thus it would not be a bad error to call Budweiser (King of Beers) instead of Bud Dry (Contemplation). But, to call a Guinness (Triple of stouts) for Schlitz Malt Liquor (The Bull) would show you were getting nothing right. Similarly, a Beer ruled by Anheiser Bushe would be harmonious with other Mid Western Beers.
  8. These harmonies must be thoroughly learnt, according to the book 777 Beers On The Wall.
  9. As you progress you will find that you are able to distinguish the type of beer three times in four and that very few indeed inharmonious errors occur, while in 72 experiments you are able to name the right beer as many as 15 to 20 times.
  10. When you have reached this stage, you may be admitted for examination; and in the event of your passing will be given more complex and difficult exercises.

III: SLOUCHANA – POSTURE

  1. You must learn to lie perfectly still with every muscle relaxed for long periods of time.
  2. You must wear no garments, save boxer shorts and V-neck T-shirts. Any more would interfere with the posture in any of these experiments.
  3. The first position: (Home King). Sit in a cushioned chair, preferably a recliner; head back, spine slumped, legs open, right hand resting partially in boxer shorts, eyes closed.
  4. The second position: (The Throne). Sit on chair; legs apart, back slouched forward, elbows on knees, fists tightly against chin.
  5. The third position: (The Whale). Lie on your stomach; arms out to side, feet bowed, roll from side to side.
  6. The fourth position: (The Potato Warrior). Lie on couch, on side; legs together, knees bent, left hand resting on buttock, right hand dangling to ground.
  7. Various things will happen to you while you are practicing these positions; they must be carefully analyzed and described.
  8. Note down the duration of practice; the severity of the pain (if any) which accompanies it, the degree of relaxation attained, and any other pertinent matters.
  9. When you have progressed up to a point that a tallboy glass, filled to the brim with water, and drunk quickly, does not force you to pass water during a whole hour, and when you can no longer sense the difference between your muscles; when, in short, you are a perfect slug, you will be admitted for examination; and should you pass, you will be instructed in more complex and difficult practices.

IV.
GUZZELAYAMA – REGULARISM OF THE DRINKING OF BEER

  1. At rest in one of your positions, close the right nostril with the thumb of the right hand and drink slowly and carefully from a mug of beer, while your watch marks 20 seconds. Exhale through the left nostril for 10 seconds. Changing hands, repeat with the other nostril. Let this be continuous for one hour.
  2. When this is quite easy to you, increase the periods to 30 and 15 seconds.
  3. When this is quite easy to you, but not before, breathe in for 15 seconds, drink for 15 seconds, and hold the breath for 15 seconds.
  4. When you can do this with perfect ease and comfort for a whole hour, drinking for 40 seconds and breathing in for 20 seconds.
  5. This being attained, practice drinking for 20, breathing for 10, and holding the breath for 30 seconds. When this has become perfectly easy to you, you may be admitted for examination, and should you pass, you will be instructed in more complex and difficult beer drinking practices.
  6. You will find that the presence of food in the stomach, even in small quantities, makes the practices very difficult.
  7. Be very careful never to over strain your beer drinking powers; especially never get so short of breath that you are compelled to drink jerkily or rapidly.
  8. Strive after the depth, fullness, and rich taste of the beers.
  9. Various remarkable phenomena will very probably occur during these practices. They must be carefully analyzed and recorded.

V:
TOOLARANA – CONTROL OF POWER TOOLS

  1. Constrain yourself first to using just one of the tools, by itself, for simple tasks. The five Mojotools are very useful for this purpose; they are: a dual speed reversible power drill; a Milwalkee Sawz-all; a Makita circular saw; a Black and Decker portable Lathe; and a big blue belt sander.
  2. Proceed to combinations of the prime tools; e.g. a table with legs cut with the sawz-all, and shaped with the lathe and so on.
  3. Proceed to making simple moving objects, such as small toy wagons, hanging closet doors, and so on. Avoid working with electronics at this point.
  4. Proceed to complex objects with moving parts, e.g. fold away beds shaped like race cars (for children) with the drawers underneath. All the pieces should fit perfectly together, needing no glues, just dove tail or beveled joints, dowel rods are acceptable.
  5. During these constructions in the mind must be absolutely confined to the object determined upon; no other thought must be allowed to intrude upon the consciousness. You are one with the tools, they are extensions of your true, karmic self.
  6. Note carefully the length of time it takes to make these objects, the number and nature of intruding thoughts, the tendency of the tools to stray from the course laid out for them, and any other phenomena which may present themselves. Avoid over strain – this is very important. You need at least one beer every 30 minutes.
  7. Proceed to incorporating electronics into the objects you craft; to begin with, start with things which are not difficult to comprehend, such as a lamp.
  8. In the intervals of these constructions, you may try to imagine the objects being crafted from the view of other people. For example try to imagine yourself at a craft show, looking at a lamp shaped like a porcupine painted neon pink, think what a garage sale attender might think, or a man at a flea market.
  9. Endeavor finally to shut out all external sensation, and truly become one with your tools. Experience the tools through all vie senses. When you feel you have attained some success in these practices, apply for examination, and should you pass, more complex and difficult constructions will be prescribed for you.

VI:
PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS

  1. It is desirable that you should discover for yourself your physical limitations.
  2. To this end ascertain for how many hours you can subsist without beer or snack foods before your working capacity is seriously interfered with.
  3. Ascertain how much alcohol you can take, and what forms of drunkenness assail you. This is a mandatory requirement for HM2LM2 study.
  4. Ascertain how long you can watch pro sports on the television without stopping. Likewise with amateurs, CNN, soap operas, Geraldo, etc…
  5. Ascertain for how many hours you can sleep with out getting out of bed once.
  6. Test your endurance with various exercises; pool playing, darts, soft ball, and so on.
  7. Ascertain for how long you can listen to other He-Men without bragging.
  8. Investigate any other capacities and aptitudes which may occur to you.
  9. Let all these things be carefully and conscientiously recorded; for according to your powers will it be demanded of you.

VIII:
A COURSE OF READING

  1. The object of most of the foregoing practices will not at first be clear to you; but at least (and who will deny it?) they have trained you in determination, drinking, power tools, and many other qualities which are valuable to all men in their ordinary avocations, so that in no case will your time have been wasted.
  2. That you may gain some insight into the nature of the Great Work which lies beyond these elementary tests and trifles, however, we should mention that an intelljynt person may gather more than a hint of its nature from the following books, which are to be taken as serious and learned contributions to the study of Masculine Nature, though not necessarily to be implicitly relied upon.
  3. Carefully study of these books will enable the pupil to speak in the language of his masters, facilitate communications with him, and impress babes at parties.
  4. The pupil should endeavor to discover the fundamental harmony of these very varied works; for this purpose he will find it best to study with a number of brews at his side.
  5. He may at any time that he wishes apply for examination in this course of reading.
  6. During the whole of this elementary study and practice he will do wisely to seek out and attach himself to a master, one competent to correct him, advise him, and supply beer if he is underage (though the Lodge does in no way condone unsupervised consumption of alcohol by minors). Nor should he be discouraged by the difficulty of finding such a person. It is best to hang out at the bars waiting for those who are thrown out at last call.
  7. Let him further remember that he must in no wise rely upon, or believe in, that master. He must rely entirely upon himself, and must have a good credit rating so that he may buy his master many tankards of brewski.
  8. As in the beginning, so at the end. As is the foam, so is the dregs. We here insist upon the vital importance of written record as the only possible check upon error derived from the various qualities of the experimenter.
  9. Thus let the work be accomplished duly; yea let it be drunken fully. (If any really important, neat, or cool results should occur, or if any great difficulty presents itself, the HM2LM2 should at once be informed of the circumstances.)

“The Beer King” (B.&.P. Series, Guinness University Press)
“The Extra Stout King” (B.&.P. Series)
“Bitterhauser”, by A. Sotley
“The Stouteishads”
“The Bheeravad-Gita”
“The Drinker in the Silence”
“Tipsy Yoga”, by Swami Breadnsalami
“The Sudza Hopsita”
“The Aphorisms of a Really Drunk Guy”
“The Tankard of Song”
“The Book of Lost Beers”
“Ritual et Dogme de la Haute Bayer”
“The Book of the Sacred Brewings of Abramelin the Brewer”
“The Brewers Guide”
“The Hopsayoga Drinkika”
“The Spiritual Guide of World Bars”
“Burpmann’s The History of Brewing”
“The Brewery in the West” (Captain Beefheart)
“The Drunkmapada” (B.&P. Series)
“The Questions of King Anheiser” (B.&.P Series)
“777 Bers on Zee Vall, etc.”
“Varieties of Drinking Experience” (Fred)
“Kabbala Beeratta”
“Debbie Does Dallas”

Final Note: This was written by me and a friend of mine that has since passed away. I went to visit Jason when he lived in Annapolis, MD. That weekend, we played a bit of chess, went to see the impressionist exhibition at the Smithsonian, counted the crackheads in Georgetown and ate a really great Nigerian restaurant. Late that night, after a whole bunch of beers, we came up with The Bubba Sudsa.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *